Land of Idioms

Hello. My name is Charles Klugenhofski. I came to this country from Iyfangotstand, a small country not very many people have heard of. We speak English there, and so when I came here I thought I would have no problem with the language. Wow. I was quite mistaken. I cannot understand what these people are saying. In the USA it seems it is possible to have "a tiger by the tail" when there is no tiger. Someone can have a "cold heart" and also be "full of hot air". I heard a coversation about someone's friend who was "chasing the dragon" and had a "monkey on his back". What are these people talking about? I was in a restaurant listening to two men who were speaking of a waitress who had just slapped a customer in the face for being a "pig". He didn't look like a pig to me. One man said to the other, "She's a woman after my own heart." The second man replied, "Yeah, with a knife." Then the second man said, " If you think she's so hot, why don't you talk to her?" The first man said, "Nah. I get cold feet when I think about it." Then the second man said, "Chicken." I don't understand these guys at all. The second man then says, "Let's blow this pop stand," to which the first man says "You got it." As the second man gets up he says, "Come on, get the lead out and shake a leg." As they leave, the first man says, "What's the matter? You have ants in your pants?" What kind of English is this? Do these people speak in some kind of strange dialect? If I was not a wanted man back in Iyfangotstand, I would go back there right now. I am getting a headache listening to these people. They speak funny English in this country, and I don't mean funny "ha ha". One last thing. Why do these people tell you to "chew on that for awhile" when you are not eating anything? Or to "put that in your pipe and smoke it" when they can see you don't have a pipe? I do not think what these people say means what they think it means. I am really confused. So I guess I'll call it quits and go home. Tomorrow is another day.